| The greatest thing you've ever said was to just be happy, no matter the cost. |
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| Well... |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|09:06 pm] |
I'm sleepy... It's 11 something. I guess that means I should sleep right?
WRONG!
it's LJ TIME!
I'm not sure how I feel.
But I want to cover a few bases That I haven't let you folks in on.
3 months ago I lost my job.
My truck breaks went out on me... 50 miles a hour.. no stopping.. I slamed into the back of a car infront of me.
me and Amanda were doing fine.
We started planning a trip to exsplore the country doing a podcast out of the car.
2 months later.
Amanda starts pulling away from me.
8 months before. there was this guy Johnathan.
I always felt insecure.
I DONT GET INSECURE ABOUT BOYS!
I DONT GET JEALIOUS!
2 months ago...
Johnathan broke up with his girlfriend for good.
The girlfriend that when he wasn't seeing.
Fucked my girlfriend until she was mine.
then called my girlfriend to tell her how much he loved his girlfriend and how he just wants things to work.
He told her he never told her they were sleeping together.
Johnathan and Amanda. Sometimes me. Start hanging out together all the time.
Amanda pulls away.
I ask her if she's in love with me, I don't know.
Are you in love with him?, yes.
this last month.. she's just trying to find a reason to leave me.
4 nights ago.
I asked her if she's held hand with him. She has.
Until I was 20. I was a virgin.
Holding hands means a fucking lot to me.
It's my version of sex.
I asked if they had kissed.
She says no.
I asked if they had talked about anything sexual.
She doesn't answer.
I ask again.
no answer.
I say well have you not.
She says obviously they had. but it shouldnt make a diffrence.
we hadn't had sex in 3 months.
We have had an extreamly passionate sex life.
If we ever eat there. We probably fucked in the bathroom.
we fucked in the parking lot of adventure park at 2 in the morning on the hood of my car.
She hadn't touched me.
To hold her hand felt criminal.
She was having sex dreams about him.
I can't control that. neither can she.
but she could control telling him about it.
and then talking about what they'd like to do to one another.
Then masturbate to it.
after this conversation we got home.
She wen't into the bathroom.
I grabed a bag of clothes.
Threw it in the car.
Took a drive for 15 hours.
Saw NJ. de and PA.
Got back home.
She said it was so unbieleveable tha I would leave.
and that, thats what ruined us.
That I left.
Nothing to do with the fact that she was having what. Txt sex?
nothing at all.
nothing to the point of being in love with him and saying that me wanting her not to see him is being controling.
nope.
Fuck you. I deserve better.
I don't want to be a whore.
and I have 2 dates on saturday.
And I wan't the person who treated me like hell back.
and I don't know what to do. |
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| honesty... |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|08:39 pm] |
wow...
just typed a message.. And deleated it by accident.. Fuck...
I don't know what I am going to write.
I just want to talk to someone, and my one and only is o longer mine.
2 months ago she said she didn't know I she loved me.
she said she knows she loves him.
she said she wants us to work, I ask why, she doesn't know.
I know why..
because he doesn't want her the same way she does.
she wants her as someone to hang out with and fuck.
I know he cares. But he's not in love with her.
she knows it.. So I'm second choice.
I feel so alone.
I'm at a 13 year olds birthday. And I feel alone.
when we drive home. I'll feel alone.
when I lay in bed next to her tonight.
I'll still be alone. Not knowing if I'm allowed to touch her.
I am second best.
I never knew what stephanie went through.
I do now.
I'm sorry.
I have no conidince. I feel destroyed.
and i f I loved her anyless. I'd be gone.
I'm so afraid of what I have become.
I could have another girlfriend tomorrow.
but I want the girl who doesn't love me.
the one who made me know I could own the world...
when I was last single, I had sex with 7 girls in 2 weeks, they all told me they wanted to be in love with me.
this is probably karma.
I don't know what I'm saying.. Its just a ramble.
I'm going to travle the country for 3 weeks.
anyone want to hang out before I go. I need goodtimes.
don't let me be alone. |
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| omegle.... you and your trolls |
[Nov. 8th, 2009|09:00 am] |
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: hi
You: how are yuo?
You: you?
Stranger: horny
You: Yeah?
You: how horny are you... like a goat? or a deer?
Stranger: Deer
You: male or female?
Stranger: female
Stranger: yeah
You: can i see it?
Stranger: sure orgasim
You: how big are your toes?
Stranger: why
You: it gets me off/
Stranger: not that big
You: thats hot
You: do you have aim?
Stranger: i know
Stranger: yes
You: what is your screenname?
Stranger: u need to work for it
You: what if your fat?
You: and you have big feet?
Stranger: im not
Stranger: no
Stranger: i got DD and wear a thong
You: I dont care about that
You: What about your feet? |
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| 6/23/09 |
[Jun. 23rd, 2009|12:33 am] |
Just a cupple past events...
Birthday was awesome.
I got jesus toast.
I finaly have a new recording interface.. And I decided I am going to start a record lable... Have most of the kinks worked out.. I plan to release a LP in the fall/winter. So I'm kinda excited and freaked out about distro and all the things I don't fully understand about releasing records.. But its what I'm doing.. I'm getting a D.B.A next week.
Amandas birthday was really good. Hope she liked what I did.
Life is awesome. |
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| 5/29/09 |
[May. 28th, 2009|09:57 pm] |
I shouldn't wake up this pissed off... |
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| 5/27/09 |
[May. 26th, 2009|10:10 pm] |
TUMMY ACHE!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT WANT!!! |
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| 5/23/09 |
[May. 23rd, 2009|02:22 am] |
Good vibes have come to a hault...
You know... Sometimes I wish my mom was alive...
So that's shed have to deal with this and not me...
then I almost cry because I feel quilty for thinking that...
Then I think about the fact that she was alive shed have no house. No close. No business. No income. No nothing....
Then I think its better that she's dead.
Then I feel even worse....
I have a dad...not a father...
Most of the time I wish it was you.
I miss her... I wish she could see myles...
I wish she could have met stephanie...
I wish she could meet amanda..
I wish she could see me when I was on my own...
I wish people were born from trees and not bellys |
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| 5/23/09 |
[May. 22nd, 2009|10:55 pm] |
Filthy dirty...
Working on a saturday...
got no sleep last night... Zero.
And you know what...
Life is fucking rad!!
When me and steph broke up and moved out of the apartment... I ended up with 6 grand of debit.. I got it down to about 2 grand.... I was really proud for paying everything for two years... Then 2 months of bad times put you under... But it cool... I watch it go down twice a month...
I got the complete series of the gantz anime in the mail today.. I'm stoked...it was a bday present...to me.
I'm hyped up on a energy drink..
This house has a cute rottie...
I'm going over mandas after work and to her grandmas for a cookout.
Lifes good.
Oh yeah. I'm awesome... Don't lose sight of that.
I am a golden god. |
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| 5/21/09 |
[May. 21st, 2009|03:58 am] |
Just so everybody knows...
the date for the vod show is 7-11.. My previous post was a fib...
Also... My birthday is next weekend... So... If you forgot last year... Its cool... Ill accept 2 presents from you. |
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| 5/19/09 |
[May. 19th, 2009|07:31 am] |
7-18- vision of disorder at sonar
woo! |
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| 5/18/09 |
[May. 18th, 2009|02:32 am] |
Just spent 50 bucks at amazon.com
6 cds
and a season of battlestar galactica |
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| 5/11/09 |
[May. 11th, 2009|12:18 am] |
well.. I am going to make a real live journal post. Okay? OKAY!!!!!
Let's do it!!
Let's start off..
I'm happy...
Things are not perfect. But god damn.
My desire.
In the mode of goodness. Indeed!
Let's go over my life...
Music...
I'm not in a band... Well not really. I write songs for the band that is broken. I'm making music and its great.
I played a rebirth party. Some big hippy show..connection... Community conciousness.. Thing...
I basicly droned and while talanted people played along with my drone.. I was blind folded. All black. Hex on my forehead. While julian gave dialog. He pulled texts from diffrent sources..:
I am the house of leaves.
I am the house of dust.
It was amazing.. I was happy to be a part of it.
Now why I share my friends views. On a personal level. I am a individual when it comes to art. At the same time collective art. Can be amazing... Its fun to lose your self in the halabuloo of a malestorm(remind me to not overuse this word this week) of creative bullshit..
Its clutterd. Undirected. Suffocated and wild. And can be amazing. For every honest moment. There are 5 there to just be apart of something to exsploit it.
I know its not practical... It invocates a notion of utopia... And while we love to play with that notion. Life its self is subjected to distopia( probably spelling and useing these words out of context.. I'm cool with that.) the frame that the spark of life exists in creates this. We are born to death.
Wake. And roll over.
Its amazing. And I love it... So in a strange way... Being in the middle of a chaotic art collection. Makes me find comfert in distopia. And makes me realize that peaceful existance is okay.
For the moment your allowed to live in them...
and you know... Making sweet doom.
Back to bringing that... I love my biggest musical partner. To think that a guy I met. Made the assumtion that he hated me. In return, totaly not giving a shit that he did. Would wind up being my catalist. We disregarded one another. And now.. He's my biggest inspiration. He pushs me. Challanges me. He's probably going to move on and dream every dream I've ever had. And I am seething with envy... So thanks for pushing me... If not for you... I probably never would have played music after my old life ended.
Spirtuality...
where the fuck am I?... How did I get here?
On one hand...
I'm an atheist. Agnostic. Satanist. ( in the non-stupid way)
and on the other hand.
I'm one chant away from being a hare krishna devotee.
I have a guru. He teachs me guitar for trade of doing live sound for him.
He is a like minded spirtual master. Who has never told me to surrender. He tells me that spirtual life can't be forced. if I force it. I would be dishonest to krishna.
I chant the lords name:
hare krishna, hare krishna.
I ask for his energy:
hare rama, hare rama.
I sleep with a copy of the bagavad-gita on my dresser sitting straight up. cover facing me. So when I wake. The first thing I see is krishna and arjuna. Riding on a chariot into war.
Peace. Om.
War. War. War.
Death. Death death.
Mourn. mourn. mourn...
and I still eat meat.... I still eat garlic and onions... I still have sex...
The higher power. Whom ever you are. I do what's in my heart... My heart knows when I'm doing something wrong. It hurts... Maybe that's you. Maybe that guilt. Maybe my idea of energy expansion is bullshit. Maybe its true. Maybe.. I am a liar.
Relationships...
I love Amanda.
I met you and I never want to look back.
Something clicked. My gears turned.
I was scared because I knew I was still broken.
I was scared because I've seen your friend naked.
I was scared because the night I met you. I was there to see her.
I told you every dirty thing I did.
I wanted you to know how I hurt people in the past.
I wanted no secrets.
You agreed.
I know you.
I'm not scared.
I'm not broken.
I am flawed.
I am beautiful.
you are ultimate.
I love you.
My past...
Haunts me... Who was I ... Who am I .
A few months ago I wated to die.
I started researching LD.50.
I called 1800 numbers so someone could tell me I was wrong.
One time no one answerd. It just rang. I listened till it stoped..and gave me a error message.
I left my phone open with the text message on the screen. Telling me the number. I asked chacha...
I was crying out for help.
No one ever heard me.
I never wanted to be that person.
so sorry... So selfish.
I made it.. And I don't know if it matters now. Because no one ever knew.
I only told one person. It was after I fixed myself.
When I was strong enough to admit I was weak.
When I had no love. I found self love. Before I chanted the holy name. Before I read lavey.... I
found me.
I wasn't doing what I needed too...
I wasn't living my life.
I haven't slept for more then 5 hours at home in 3 months.
I'm exhausted.
I'm in love.
I'm speachless.
When I'm speachless...
I don't speak. |
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| 5/11/09 |
[May. 10th, 2009|11:42 pm] |
well.. I am going to make a real live journal post. Okay? OKAY!!!!! Let's do it!!
Let's start off.. I'm happy... Things are not perfect. But god damn. My desire. In the mode of goodness. Indeed!
Let's go over my life...
Music...
I'm not in a band... Well not really. I write songs for the band that is broken. I'm making music and its great. I played a rebirth party. Some big hippy show..connection... Community conciousness.. Thing... I basicly droned and while talanted people played along with my drone.. I was blind folded. All black. Hex on my forehead. While julian gave dialog. He pulled texts from diffrent sources..:
I am the house of leaves.
I am the house of dust.
It was amazing.. I was happy to be a part of it. Now why I share my friends view. On a personal level. I am a individual when it comes to art. At the same time collective art. Can be amazing... Its fun to lose your self in the halabuloo of a malestorm(remind me to not overuse this word this week) of creative bullshit.. Its clutterd. Undirected. Suffocated and wild. And can be amazing. For every honest moment. There are 5 there to just be apart of something to exsploit it. I know its not practical... It invocates a notion of utopia... And while we love to play with that notion. Life its self is subjected to distopia( probably spelling and useing these words out of context.. I'm cool with that.) the frame that the spark of life exists in creates this. We are born to death. Wake. And roll over. Its amazing. And I love it... So in a strange way... Being in the middle of a chaotic art collection. Makes me find comfert in distopia. And makes me realize that peaceful existance is okay. For the moment your allowed to live in them...
and you know... Making sweet doom.
Back to bringing that... I love my biggest musical partner. To think that a guy I met. Made the assumtion that he hated me. In return, totaly not giving a shit that he did. Would wind up being my catalist. We disregarded one another. And now.. He's my biggest inspiration. He pushs me. Challanges me. He's probably going to move on and dream every dream I've ever had. And I am seething with envy... So thanks for pushing me... If not for you... I probably never would have played music after my old life ended.
Spirtuality...
where the fuck am I?... How did I get here?
On one hand... I'm an atheist. Agnostic. Satanist. ( in the non-stupid way)
and on the other hand.
I'm one chant away from being a hare krishna devotee.
I have a guru. He teachs me guitar for trade of doing live sound for him. He is a like minded spirtual master. Who has never told me to surrender. He tells me that spirtual life can't be forced. if I force it. I would be dishonest to krishna.
I chant the lords name:
hare krishna, hare krishna.
I ask for his energy:
hare rama, hare rama.
I sleep with a copy of the bagavat-gita on my dresser sitting straight up. cover facing me. So when I wake. The first thing I see is krishna and arjuna. Riding on a chariot into war.
Peace. Om.
War. War. War.
Death. Death death.
Mourn. mourn. mourn...
and I still eat meat.... I still eat garlic and onions... I still have sex...
The higher power. Whom ever you are. I do what's in my heart... My heart knows when I'm doing something wrong. It hurts... Maybe that's you. Maybe that guilt. Maybe my idea of energy expansion is bullshit. Maybe its true. Maybe.. I am a liar.
Relationships...
I love Amanda.
I met you and I never want to look back.
Something clicked. My gears turned.
I was scared because I knew I was still broken.
I was scared because I've seen your friend naked.
I was scared because the night I met you. I was there to see her.
I told you every dirty thing I did.
I wanted you to know how I hurt people in the past.
I wanted no secrets.
You agreed.
I know you.
I'm not scared.
I'm not broken.
I am flawed.
I am beautiful.
and you are ultimate.
I love you.
My past...
Haunts me... Who was I ... Who am I .
A few months ago I wated to die.
I started researching LD.50.
I called 1800 numbers so someone could tell me I was wrong.
One time no one answerd. It just rang. I listened till it stoped..and gave me a error message.
I left my phone open with the text message on the screen. Telling me the number. I asked chacha...
I was crying out for help.
No one ever heard me.
I never wanted to be that person.
so sorry... So selfish.
I made it.. And I don't know if it matters now. Because no one ever knew. I only told one person. It was after I fixed myself. When I was strong enough to admit I was weak. When I had no love. I found self love. Before I chanted the name. Before I read lavey.... I found me.
I wasn't doing what I needed too... I wasn't living my life.
I haven't slept for more then 5 hours at home in 3 months.
I'm speachless. When I'm speachless...
I don't speak. |
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| 5/9/09 |
[May. 8th, 2009|10:07 pm] |
spiteful and ill-temperd, I know the character well...
A malestorm of weakness and instability seething with viciousness.
I choose not to accept this; not into my life.
There is no hope of reform.
When pride is allied with hostility, all reason is denied.
I refuse to accept this.
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| sometimes I have reasons for loving you...5/6/09 |
[May. 5th, 2009|10:58 pm] |
I may infact goto jail today for murder...
--
Just make it good... blood everywhere, disembowelment, all that jazz. *wink*
Love you, honey. Just hang in there.
My text phone conversation with my girlfriend.. |
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| 4/21/09 |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|07:34 pm] |
Life is amazing |
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| 4/16/09 |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|10:08 pm] |
I am at work in my truck...
Kinda don't wan't to move.. I have a bad tummy ache..
Been really busy last 2 months..
I have loved it...
I played drone guitar for a rebirth party. Held on the equinox(sp?)
doing bits of tracking for Julians doom project... I'm suppose to go up goucher tonight and track his vocals..
He mentioned something about helping him with his presentation thing.. Drone-ing again.
I saw kooza the other week with my new girlfriend Amanda. (cirque du solie performance)
things with her have been outstanding... She's an amazing artist.. Who writes comics and childrens books... I am now the villian in her comic.
I'm on the verge of being able to record again... Super excited there.
I now have a zelda lunch box for work. (easter present)
I avarage about 5 hours of sleep a night.
I'm never home.
And I love it. |
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| 4/16/09 |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|09:01 pm] |
I made a twitter...
Chrishisey1
*tweet* |
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| 4/7/09 yuuuup... |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|03:17 am] |
I just wanted to say I'm happy.
I have been.
Things are perfect.. Well almost. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|09:06 am] |
I know I seem like a ideot to most of you.... If you even read my posts when they pop up.
I don't like to think I am.
I know I'm not as smart as I think.
specialy when it comes to them books. a-huck.
But I crave intellectual stimulation.
I wan't to be able to talk to someone past just what kind of music they like.
Lets face it... at this point.. no one likes what kind of music I like... and I definetly don't feel compelled to defend it anymore.
but seriously... I just wan't a real conversation with someone... Something intesnse.
Does no body stay awake at night thinking about this shit?
I know I'm on a lower plane then most of you but shit... maaybe I have it backwards? Maybe you all just figured this shit out at age 7 and I'm just late to bloom like everything.
I don't know...
I don't even know why I'm trying to share this... much less on a blog that no one reads? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|03:07 am] |
Life is fucking crazy...
I don't even know whats going on.
I feel clueless and I don't know what I need to do to stop it.
Some small things come together then buff-aff-i-fal me.
I have to many things with myself I need to fix.
A big part of who I was is forever gone now.
I'm not so sure that is a good thing.
I'm changing and I don't like it... I'm trying not to fight it... Transition is part of life correct?
I feel out of place constantly. I don't think I belong anywere.
If I could do anything. Have any set up. I don't know what it'd be.
This post is not a writ of anger/passion/deep thought/words.
Its just things I don't don't know how to fully express outside of fragments. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2008|06:32 am] |
I'm starting to feel more alive.
Thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2008|02:52 pm] |
Man.
I feel broken.
what happened to that guy who was all about self improvement & positive thinking.
I feel like I just wan't someone to tell me I'm important. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2008|04:53 pm] |
I'm so stressed out..
I've lived on my own for 2 years..
And in 2 months I went to everything being paid.
To being completely fucked on everything.
I have at this moment no bill 100% up to date.
I don't have car insurance.
My Rent is a month behind.
I need new tires on that car thats not insured.
My electric bill is so past do I can't even understand having power.
My lap top died so I am on a borrowed computer.
I have to pay a shit load of fees because my reg is probably now suspended.
I can barely afford food. Even less gas.
I'm working 3 Jobs and I still can't figure out witch way is up.
and oh yeah. I'm single. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2008|11:54 am] |
annnnnnnnd I got laid off.
always wonderd what that wass like.
i have 3 months left to work
i get paid 40 hours a week no matter how little i work. any physical hours over 40 gets me over time.
if i stay till the end of the pay period, i get a 1,500 severance pay.
so i should be fine. I got 3 months to find a new job. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|10:58 pm] |
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I know I only keep my girlfriend around because she gives me money and lets me fuck her in the ass. but sometimes she makes me cheese cake. and thats kinda cool i guess. specially when you scoop the wip cream in your hand and throw it at her face. sweeet! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2008|09:28 pm] |
There is a very real world out there.
I do not know how to touch it.
I do not know how to breath it in.
I am convinced it is real.
I lack proof. But I'm convinced.
You will find me in the dark. |
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| show tonight |
[Nov. 10th, 2007|02:31 pm] |
so Uh... yeah
The Thrash Odyssey
Show No Mercy
Scheduled Beating
Barricade
My Turn To Win
At the DAV hall in Bowie. Check our site for more details.
directions are in this flyer
http://www.handofdeathrecords.com/flyer1110.jpg
We play first i think it starts at 7... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2007|12:03 pm] |
I still feel like a kid...
I've grown up right?
I pay my own bills, I live on my own.
I feel like I'm missing something.
What am I Missing.
I don't feel like I've ever had the small things everyone else has.
Mostly talking about people.
I feel like most of the conversations I've had with people are made up.
I feel like my friends are made up.
I feel made up.
I don't know If I can explain.
I don't know that anyone would care if i did.
I've gone through a weird place.
I miss the people we used to be.
I have more now then I ever did.
but sometimes i feel like i have nothing.
I dont see the point in life. it just ended, what would matter.
existence doesn't make sense to me.
it Never really has. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|11:26 pm] |
I went to philinthecircle.com today and then called Phil to be on his new art wor in my own special way... he's fun to talk too I thought he would just listen to my thing and hang up, but he was all about talking to me. I just wish i had something more to say to him.
 its only half of what he wrote for me... its not really enough for you guys to put together. but its really to show the picture.. Phil makes me stand back for a minuet and really just admire his work. (the picture spins and looks like the hands jsut keep on rotating.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|11:24 pm] |
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Man... its werid how the stars have answers ... talking zodiac stuff.. I've always been amazed by how much my zodiac sign dictates my every action so well, its just weird. but sometimes it makes me feel.. less... original i guess... it wouldnt make sense even if i did know proper words to say this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2007|11:52 pm] |
Alright everyone cookout at my house tomarrow.. to celebrate the most important thing to ever happen in history.. yeah thats right MY BIRTH! starts at 1 ends at ?????? question mark? yeah who knows when that is.
130 b sloane dr
glen burnie md
21061
villages at marley station... off bna.
make your first right you'll see the community pool... building right infront of the speed bump. need help
443 306 1367
everyones invited!!!!
better come!
in other news
wwww.myspace.com/seeyouinhellhippy
new joke band, going to hell for this one. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2007|07:49 pm] |
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It's been a weird/hard week... I'm not sure how it came this weird. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2007|12:50 pm] |
I reaalize now that life is a lost cause and that theres no point. I'm depressed:-(
Nahhhh... just Joshing ya... shits pretty sunny. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2007|11:32 pm] |
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my dogie is snoring! he's so loud for a little guy.. I took him over seans today, his rental house has a big fenced in yard so he could run in the tall grass/flower garden thing... we hope i have a house with a big backyard one day.. He's my little buddy. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2007|02:10 pm] |
Me having party.. Jun. 2end at 1pm.. cook out/beers... I'm putting out 100 on alcohol for everyone else... just to show im not a prick about being staright edge. (and to try out my new freedoms of being 21) it should be rad.. need directions leave a comment/ call 443 306 1367 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2007|08:31 pm] |
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I got a new puppy! his names jaspire.. He's so fucking cute.. come see him! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|05:21 pm] |
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"How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive. " |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|01:55 pm] |
My girlfriend is awesome.
she got me a play station yesterday (the number 2 kind none of that 3 stuff)
It's the one thing ive wanted for my place.
she wraped it up in a box at her work and said he friend got her something to lure me there and then opened it and it was all wraped up and stuff.
my girlfriend beats yours. ha. |
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| stole this from sam. figured its refreshing to see a diffrent survey |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|06:20 pm] |
Are you an average or unique individual?:
avarage
Do you seek profoundness in life, or do you just go with the flow?:
i dream of being someone who could just go with the flow. but i am too aware that I exist. and after the realization that i exist, it's hard to ignore the questions that come with the concious.
Do you cherish emotion, or are you stoic and sterile?:
I crave emotion but find life stoic and sterile for the most part. passion is desire. my desire is passion.
Does hatred drive you, or does love; or are you numb?:
Love drives away the numbness.
Have you ever been terribly wronged by someone?:
yes.
Have you ever been betrayed?:
yes.
i've also been the betrayer.
Have you ever experienced unconditional love?:
yes.
Has someone close to you been critically ill?:
This a joke? if i need to answer this for you, deleate me.
Has someone you loved passed away?:
many.
If so, are you bitter and regretful, or do you embrace their memory?:
embrave memory. every step cupled with every breath is memory. mourning death never made sense to me. i worship life.
Do you wander alone, or do you seek companionship?:
Both. YOu can't be yourself if your never around yourself long enough to figure it out.
Can you feel the presence of evil, or are you oblivious?:
aware and watching. small and fibrile.
Have you ever felt an urge to indulge dark impulses?:
consistant.
Do you walk with angels, or do devils control you?:
"...but if you make peace within yourself your devils are really just angels freeing you from this earth."
Do you fear others or yourself more; or are you fearless?:
i fear myself. destroy my body. it's weak and pointless.
Does the presence of a dead body thrill you?:
the stillness of a corpse is unnerving. It is the physical form of death.
Do you dream of wandering wastelands of corpses in the cloak of the moon?:
wha?
Do you feel deep down that if your enemy was dying, you would help him/her?:
compassion is in my nature.
Have you ever witnessed an animal being brutally beaten?:
yes.
Have you witnessed any other heinous or violent crime?:
yes.
If so, has it changed you, and how did it change you if it did?:
no comment.
Do you feel your views on life are “warped” as a result of any trauma?:
either warped or a reasonable perspective, your call.
Do you have more of an optimistic personality, or pessimistic?:
optimistic pessimist. no way around it.
Are you a serious, sarcastic person, or bubbly and humorous?:
serious sarcastic. because im a asshole.
Do little things and habits of other people annoy you to the point of rage?:
no, mine do to other people tho.
If so, what particular things about people provoke the most rage?:
n/a
Do you contain any phobias or conditions (ex: arachnophobia, OCD, depression):
yes no and maybe.
Does art and literature attract you?:
indulge me.
Are you creative?:
no.
Do you contain any psychic ability; in tune with your subconscious?:
no.
Would you consider yourself an artist?:
no.
Do weapons and objects meant to do harm appeal to you?:
no. they scare me, as does the dark side of human nature.
Do you consider yourself as a submissive or assertive personality?:
both, both are good. both are bad.
Do you long for love; a soul mate?:
done.
If so, do you long for someone completely different, or the same?:
i don't want a clone. i want someone who can understand me, and i them.
Do you wish them to be submissive, or challenging to you?:
challeng me to be better.
Does the appearances of others and yourself have an affect on your attitude:
always.
If so, what kind of an affect?:
how you caryy yourself is everything in this world.
Do you enjoy taking risks, or do you like stability?:
i'll jump across a big gap, but probably not a vally.
Are you squeamish?:
yes and no.
Do you drown yourself in music?:
music has become something compleatly diffrent then what it used to be. (this only applys to my head)
Do you feel pain?:
i'm a wuss to small stuff. BUt the big stuff i can take.
Do you indulge in self-harm of any kind?:
bloop.
Does guilt ever hinder you?:
always,
Are you stressed?:
sometimes.
Do you have health issues that make life harder?:
yes and no.
Does regret envelope you?:
never.
Are you tormented?:
metallica - one. (thats a joke, laugh you prude)
Do others view you as a threat, but deep down, you are a caring person?:
im not really sure how i am viewed.
What sort of weather appeals to you most?:
warm.. hoodie but not cold.
What is your favorite smell?:
dunno.
What is your favorite sense of touch?:
dont know.
What is your favorite kind of scenery?:
i like eastern art.
Where is your most desired place to be?:
her and now then and everywere.
Do you enjoy the indoor world or the outdoor world better?:
both.
Do you feel in tune with nature?:
yes.
Does society define you, or do you weep for it?:
i weep for it as it brings definition to who i am. not all things are evil. not everything is rightious. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|12:50 am] |
SO your rolling down the road of life.
you hear some scratching coming from the breaks in the back.. you say.. you can make it a cupple hundred more miles.
Your wrong.
Shouldn't have to learn from speeding into a brickwall.
But sometimes thats what it takes.
My great grandmother died today. She wen't in the hospital last night because of a cold... I was suppose to visit her.. but avoided it because I was sick and needed to rest. |
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| Update! Update! who wants a update? |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|04:02 am] |
Well... It's been a long wile, no?
Well.. Things are going well.. in this episode of Chris' Journal we will cover the following topics:
1. Car.
2. Apartment.
3. Work.
4. Christmas.
5. A new year?
1. Well car.. Guess who got a new car. yeah thats right, me. How new? Brand new. Talking 89.6 miles new. My great Grandmother decided before she gets going she wanted to give me some thing and see me actully use it. So she randomly calls me up and tells me she got me a car. the only miles on it were from her. Its a '06 Kia spectra. She told me she's paying the insurence on it. how rad is that?
2. Moving out! Really this time! I sign my lease on friday. paying 665 a month plus util. minus water bill. I can afford it on my own. barely but I can. But my girlfriend is moving in with me on the 12th... my first months rent is 600... I had about a grand in the bank for this so I'm okay... i need to get a bed.. but really.. I can't wait for Stephanie to live with me. I've never been so excited about anything. and I've never layed with someone and been able to just say that I could see it lasting forever. I enjoy it.. nothing in the back of my mind asking when its just going to fall apart or any of that. I'm really happy with it. It's the villages at marley station.. so nothing special.. but you all should buy my house warming gifts damn it!
3. Work.. well I've been working 2 jobs for awile. I love working at Niermann weeks. My Boss is my buddy, but she knows when to be my boss. I don't so much love my telemarket job. It doesnt bother me or exhaust me... but its for this jackass who i kinda hate... he treats his wife like shit and he's a dirty redneck.. so I'm going to goto a new place.. for the moment i make 2 grand a month.. that'll go up soon with the new 2end job im getting.. so I'm really happy there.
4. Christmas... was kinda werid.. I had a few fleeting moments of thinking about Christmas last year. What a werid perdiciment i was in. I pretty much had no idea were my father was.. my and my mother were going to move in with my great grandmother.. My Mom pretty much worked a week straight just to get people presents (her health and running the business by her self wasn't a good combo) and I guess I realized it's the only Christmas we could of truely had as a family.. .and that was taken away because of my Dad. It's just a fleeting thought. The good now..
Went over my great grandmothers for christmass eve.. She threw a party... My great grandfather died a few months ago, she couldn't stand to have a after funeral get together thing, so she didn't.. so she wanted to make it up to everyone and have this huge bash (from her standards) it was kinda rad... cept we got there and she was too worried the food wouldnt all be done right. I helped her fix the rest of it, I just wanted her to sit down and fucking enjoy it! but she was to frantic so abou t2 hours after i finished sitting everything out she relaxed a little and enjoyed it... I think she was kinda hurt because most of the people she invited couldn't make it.. I don't think she realized that it was Christmas eve and people already have there rituals. but it was great. I loved it.
Christmas Day I went to Pa to visit my Uncle and little cusins... Just the useual.. beat my cusins new video games because they couldnt... left early because i had to work the day after xmas.
5. A new year.. So for the first time it really truely truely feels like a new year. New is probably the best feeling for the moment.. alot of new things for me. You know... forest gump "I just love new years... you get a chance to start all over" taking that to the chest. It's a new year.. everything is going up.. after falling on my face.. trying to be positive and productive at everyturn.. maybe its paying off.. but i dont want to get cocky... life does that whole.. you know.. life thing.. ouch. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|03:03 am] |
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yeah.. its pretty much finalized... I'm the biggest dick ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|01:25 am] |
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why the fuck Do I keep screwing up? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|05:57 am] |
someone told me to update. so I am.. because ifeel i have somethings to say.
So... Who am I? What am I? what I said, why?
well. I am alive. I am alive and faced towards the future with a bright eye and a light heart. I've been reflecting alot whenever I can the last few days. I am strong, I know this. I will over come anything if I'm stressed out or not. I can feel down, I am allowed. I am human. I have a hope. I have no douts right now. There are pieces still missing, but I know they'll be placed soon. I know what I want, I already have it all. I just have to hold on to it. I've told myself when i was 17 that if I ever felt something in me wanting ot change. be that opinion, motive. style. attitude. I wouldnt hold back, I wouldnt try to hold on to who I was but embrace who I want to be. I'm a victum of influence, that doesnt have to be a bad thing as long as I'm smart, I hope I'm smart.
so.. I've Changed. no, really. I'm a driffrent preseon in many ways. I like my job and it's helping me compleat my 'summer goal' dont know it? To bad. but I feel happy right now. not jump up and down happy... thats excitement.. I feel happy in the sense of I'm doing what i want... my computers broke... but I'm still writting songs... once i get it back up and running... its going to poor out of me more.. I'll end up making a page for style and prose... adn take a day to do a hardcore mixdown of all the tracks. I have alot of things I've siad. alot of concepts... and alot of growth. I have grown.
So since im going top start talking aout music.... new paragrapH! Style and prose (that being my solo music thing) has been been a big stepping stone for me. I have the ability to create. it took me in a new direction with music. its exactly what i wanted it to be. A punk record. Punk in a sense that I'm challenging myself to think.. not outside the box. but just think. how can i use what i have to be creative.. not to be werid.. but to create. I'm happy with alot of it.. alot of it i'll laugh at in a week or two... but its something I'm proud of... so hopefuly I can post mp3s in the next 5 months or so. (hey... thats me being realistic)
I am in love. Compleatly. with myself. with a girl. with life. Hard times. yes. Harder then anything I've been through, yes. Will I let myself break down because everything around me is? FUCK NO. When I say you make me feel like I can do anything. I mean it. I'm sorry when I'm a asshole. I'm sorry that i was born as a prick. But really.. you love me for it. so thank you.
ALL IN ALL:
I'm a new person. my outlooks are better. is this me growing up? It might be.. I'm not grown yet. My legs wobble... but I am able. I am alive and I will not fail. |
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